I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
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I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.