[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
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I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
。
。
.
.
.
.
.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”