Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
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Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
If only
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.