Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
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I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Mountain Goat : )
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day