Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
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Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
This a good idea
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!