People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
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this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
How about daylight saves us for once
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
Me buying fruit and veg
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.