Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
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[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
me when I see my crush
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
Breaking news:
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that