my retirement plan is braless
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ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy