I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
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*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
Still a very good boi….
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.