Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
You Might Also Like
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I鈥檓 only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven鈥檛 grown more fingers yet
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
Best goalkeeper.. 馃槄
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he鈥檒l be going back to kindergarten.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
Not to brag, but it鈥檚 not even Halloween and I鈥檝e already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
Therapist: what鈥檚 your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz