please stand back I’m about to make this worse
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“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
do what now??
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.