If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
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What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”