“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
You Might Also Like
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window