The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
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Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
Writing, She Murdered.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.