Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
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every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
Love thy neighbor’s dog
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
Yeah. This was me today.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.