Forever 21… pounds overweight
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In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]