The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
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*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
philosophical skeletons be like
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.