I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
You Might Also Like
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.