Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
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Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
Breaking news:
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive