Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
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Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”