People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
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*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit