Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
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*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
Monday?
No. Next question.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled