Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
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My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
early stone age tool
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD