me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
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Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
Who.
Did.
This?
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
Saving my good tweets for marriage
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?