Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
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“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know