As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
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I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
Duck typos.
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!