I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
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[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
Just parrot things
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.