Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
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QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
Those are good neighbors.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…