Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
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Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
I’ve been drinking.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes