Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
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There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time