My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
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Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
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