My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
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if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.