the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
You Might Also Like
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”