Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
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sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum