me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
You Might Also Like
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”