(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
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Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)