Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
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Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”