wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
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me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.