Don’t take drugs… for granted.
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My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
Hamburger Hinderer.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
What a kind woman! 😂😂
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.