1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
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doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper