Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
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I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
We take our 40% off sale seriously at