[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
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I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
The fall of Netflix
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels