She puts the hot in psychotic
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It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
Warm pools make me nervous.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab