Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
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For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed