If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
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One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
Just as the prophecy foretold
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.