I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
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If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.