Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
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“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.