A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
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You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh