A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
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I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”