God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
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Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
A customer told me they were never coming back….
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.